Her Grayed Rainbow
by CharlotteDove
Summary: You were like a dream or a vision I never knew would come true. Post Lewis, as Olivia recovers, she finds herself in an unexpected life. Full of heartache, and healing, she reconnects with Elliot. They both have been through a personal hell, together they are stronger than apart. She has to forgive him first, trust him second.
1. The Living

Author Notes: Firstly, there is a trigger warning for William Lewis assault. This is my first fanfiction on here. I would appreciate any and all feedback. I have clear and strong plot ideas in my head, but your guidance would surely help. This story will hopefully be unique in many regards. I am not trying to overdue the Lewis arc, but felt that Olivia is due some proper healing. Thank you so much for reading!

Her face was painted with his dark crimson blood like a Jackson Pollack painting. The blood splatter had been on her face for over an hour, long enough to congeal and dry. It had to be photographed and studied. Like her body. Her body was once again made a crime scene by the same heinous man in less than one year. Olivia Benson couldn't help but imagine her body covered in yellow tape labeled "crime scene." Flashes of the tape draped over body, snugly covering her physical scars William Lewis had left only months before.

During the middle of a trauma the brain often zones out. It can take you to another place, often disassociating as a way of protecting itself from the impending doom. Sergeant Benson knows all of this from her years a police officer, but it was only from the last year that she truly understood where the human brain could take her.

Modern Art Through 1954. It was one of the required classes during her senior year at Sienna College. As part of the early liberal arts craze, she was required to take a fine arts elective. She was never really an artistic person, and abhorred the idea of signing up for such an elective. She decided on Modern Art as the least of all evils. Olivia never expected to fall in love with the class. To her Campbell's soup labels would never be true art, but there was something unique about paint splatter on a canvas. The way the colors converged together. The canvas must have been so heavy with paint. The artist showed so much emotion, look at this corner. Do you see these colors together? Yes, I do. She always did. Olivia Benson always understood Jackson Pollack's painting entitled, _Grayed Rainbow _best. Most parts of her life equated to a muted rainbow. There was color if you looked hard enough, blue, yellow, purple, orange, hidden among the think and heavy black, white, gray, and silver.

"Detective Benson, is there anyone we can call for you?" the nurse quietly asks.

Olivia's swinging her legs from the exam table slightly. Detective Amaro is nervously hovering, he just wants to get her away from the impending vultures.

"Sergeant, it's Sergeant Benson now." Olivia corrects the nurse she has come to know on a respected professional level. None of this matters with the blood splatter still dried on her tired face. Yet Olivia needs to cling to anything that makes her feel normal.

"Nurse Jessica, would you mind giving us a minute?" Nick pleads with this dark eyes. There is only so much they can take as a team, only so much one person can take a human. He wonders how much more Olivia has left in her.

"Of course, Dr. Johnston and I will be back with your blood work in bit. Just let me know if there is anything I can do. Again, I am so sorry." She walks away, even this is too much for this nurse.

"Fuck Liv, I wish we could get this blood off your face."

Olivia is gone again. She hasn't thought too much about her favorite art class in years. She has the strangest urge to visit the Modern Museum of Art. Her professor for the class was the most eccentric person at Sienna College. She once wore a raccoon tailed hat to class. This same professor also spoke about how roadkill could serve as Popart given the right time and place.

Nick reaches out and tentative lays a palm on her shoulder. He knows she is in shock, and he knows better than anyone else that Olivia will say she's fine. She will feed him that same bullshit line about being fine, even with wearing William Lewis' blood on her face. Even when Lewis had almost killed her only hours earlier. Yes, there really is a limit to what one person can take before they finally truly topple over the edge.

Olivia startles when he touches her. She's back in that mill. Lewis is behind her touching her, his long hands and fingers are roughly grabbing her belt buckle. Stealing more of her soul. His mouth is on her. He is kissing her her cheek and then her ear lobe. For a brief minute Olivia thinks _he is the last person that will ever kiss me, before before I kill myself. _The gun, that fucking gun. That click will never leave her brain.

Nick immediately recognizes that she is in the middle of a severe flashback. Instinct and training kick in as he goes through their grounding techniques together.

"Olivia, it's okay. Look at me for a minute. We are in the hospital exam room. You are safe, Lewis is gone." Olivia is still not responding so Nick continues.

"Breathe with me. In and out, nice deep breaths." Olivia's blackened eyes finally focus on her partner.

"Good, Liv. You got this. Smell that? It's the hospital room, it smells like antiseptic. You are safe, he can't get you anymore." Nick is trying to be strong for his partner, because dammit they both need it. Olivia's fresh tears finally pool over her eyelids and fall down her cheeks, mixing with the dried blood on her face. The blood pattern changed ever so slightly like art on a canvas, only this time there is no end in sight.

"I just need to go home." When she finally speaks.

"Can I call Brian for you?" Nick is trying for any type of normalcy for her.

Olivia hesitates, and finally shakes her head, "no, I am good."

Another secret she carries. They all add up like dominoes ready to fall, just a slight breeze from the wind they will go over one by one. Brian left only days before. The "I love you" came at the end of the relationship. There is no point in telling Nick that Brian is gone, he will only worry more. He will want stay at her apartment with her. Olivia wants to be alone, she wants be inside her own head for the

rest of time, she thinks.

Nick is back talking to her, they both know Lieutenant Murphy expressly told him not to discuss anything that has happened to Olivia with regard to William Lewis. Murphy is standing guard outside the hospital room, quickly proving a sort of allegiance to this broken squad. He will fight like hell to keep Tucker away, even if it will only give her hours instead of the days he wishes he could grant her. Murphy feels an unexplainable and fierce pull towards Benson. He's seen damage in his life, enough pain and hurt to last multiple lifetimes. He knows inherently why she broke protocol and went after this bastard herself, deep in his soul he knows he would have done the same thing.

As Murphy continues to pace, Nick and Olivia are existing. This is a newer feeling for Nick Amaro. He too, feels like he has been falling and slipping. A little less living. It always seemed like the outcome was worth it, someone HAS to do this job. It might as well be him and his family at the 1-6. But, as Nick stares at Olivia's broken eyes, as he feels her broken soul, he wonders if any of this is really worth it any more.

There is a slight knock on door, the kind that does not wait for an answer, it merely announces. Dr. Johnston calmly walks in, he's an older doctor who wears years and wrinkles well. Olivia also knows him from the victims that forever link their lives together, she's been doing for this for too damn long. It's the only thought in her brain at the moment.

"Detective...," the doctor pauses for forgetting Nick's name.

"Amaro. It's okay Doc, I will be right outside if I am needed." It's not until Nick has completely left the room before he can take a full breath of air.

Dr. Johnston is holding Olivia's chart in his hand. They are going through all the formalities or so she thinks. It's only a matter of time before she can finally leave this godforsaken hospital. Her skin is crawling with the need to leave, she wants to peel the red paint off of her face as well.

What happens next in the exam room is something that Olivia Benson never saw coming, not ever. Especially in recent months, her life has been a roller coaster ride. Some people are fanatics, they wait in line for hours to ride roller coasters. Olivia hates fucking roller coasters, which is ironic after all these years.

"Sergeant Benson, I have known you for years. I wish there was a better way to say this or handle this, but I know you. You always want the direct approach." Dr. Johnston suddenly stalls, realizing that he may have gravely misjudged Olivia's condition or state of mind. He knows about her attack and her career, but it's her eyes that scare him the most.

Olivia is hearing the doctor, she's just choosing not to respond. It really sounds like he's going to tell her she has a rare cancer, or maybe just leprosy. She has a really inappropriate urge to laugh right now. Jesus Christ, in her brain where everything has been made so raw, in her heart where it is so scarred, and her soul where it feels so heavy, she suddenly realizes that an incurable cancer does not sound like a bad plan at all.

"Jesus, Jim. Just tell me. It sounds like I am dying. We both know they do routine blood work as part of exam and investigation."

He will always take her lead. "Olivia, you are certainly not dying. But I have to tell you, I am really worried. With everything going on and all the stress. Olivia, your pregnancy test is positive, you're pregnant."

He's mistaken. There is no way she is carrying a child after everything. After all her years on earth. What a cruel joke.

"How?" Is her first question. "I mean, apart from the obvious how part. I took a test two months ago, it was negative. I'm almost 45 years old."

Then sheer and utter panic sets in. Her breaths are too fast and too shallow. Her mind is back there with Lewis and the gun she had to her head. The monster made her hold a gun to her head and pull the trigger possibly ending her own life, he did it several times. Except it was never just Olivia's life, she now knows it was her unborn child's life too. She's hyperventilating, this will be the first flashback of many, and it is so debilitating.

The next images that come to mind are the untold number of wine glasses she has consumed over the last few months. Of Brian leaving, saying he loves her, and that hecannot imagine a family with her.

Nausea hits Olivia hard and fast, she's a ball of knots with no end and no beginning.

She could be sick from her assault, her panic, or morning sickness. Then finally the tears come, marring the rest of the dried blood on her face, that is her canvas.

Olivia has so much guilt to wade through. Her emotions are unstable at best, but somewhere in a place she cannot begin to see, describe, or even explain, she feels like living.

It is one those luminous colors almost hidden to the naked eye, in her grayed rainbow. It is there waiting, and it worth everything.

"Sergeant, let's see what we can do about getting this blood off your face."


	2. Blood is Thicker Than Wine

Author Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews from the first chapter, they are meaningful to me. Again, any and all feedback is much appreciated. Trigger warning for flashback reference to William Lewis assault. SVU characters are not mine. Reference to actual artwork that is not mine. Please enjoy!

Olivia has the vacant stare in her brazen brown eyes. If she were another person looking at herself, she would recognize that look. It's the look worn by countless victims over the years that she has witnessed. It is look of the haunted. It is the place of the in between. _Do you want to come back, stay, or go? I can see through these eyes. I see the assault, the rape, or the attack happening over and over again. I see the crime, the perpetrator, but mostly I see the cloudiness from my tears. What_ _I really want to see is a sort of normalcy, any amount will do, and a part of my soul_. Never did she think haunted eyes could say so much or so little, except now they are her eyes. She understands all of it now.

"Pull the trigger Olivia, or I will. Do it now!" It's that damned monstrous voice again. In one minute he will insist upon her holding the heavy gun in her hand. To pull the trigger, to possibly end her life. She HAD to do it. There was no other option in that moment, there never really is, isn't that the point these days? Everything is always about saving the victim, and really it ought to be. But to what extent does it become okay to possibly blow your own brains out, killing your unborn baby, you did not even know you had, in exchange for sparing a twelve year old Amelia? Amelia who just wanted to be in school that day.

What a fucking messed up world, she thinks. Now Tucker wants her to lie and say she killed William Lewis. They want her to compromise herself even more, all to make the damn NYPD look less tarnished, more credible. With the horrific flashback and equally horrendous realization that she could potentially lose her job as a decorated police officer, possibly face jail time; she marches on, walking aimlessly.

The world is grateful for small graces and large miracles, as her attorney Rita Calhoun, and Lieutenant Murphy, pull her tired body out of the line of the on coming taxicab. She's in such a bad way that she practically walked into oncoming traffic, sleepwalkers have the ability to do this.

"Olivia!" Strong hands pull her back to safety.

"Sorry, I just didn't see it." All three of them wonder if she is talking about about the taxi anymore.

It is hours later that she kept walking, meandering the busy New York streets, and overcrowded sidewalks. Her squad family members texting and calling her constantly, they are all so worried. Currently, it feels like she is trying to swim through quicksand, even sending a text message to say she is okay seems to laborious. Why lie anyways, she doesn't really seem okay. Rational parts of her brain are trying to communicate with other parts of her brain, to reason with Olivia that Lewis is gone, dead even. It is physically impossible for him to leap out of a corner, or to hide in her apartment, or to torture another human being again. Overwhelmingly, the thoughts that have taken residence in her psyche are gruesome images, taunting snippets of dialogue, and threats and that remind her that William Lewis will always be alive, even if it just in her mind.

Olivia has been on the fourth floor, standing and staring for almost twenty minutes. She cannot feel her legs, or make out the fact she is even wearing her sensible work boots. Her eyes travel back and forth, following the patterns and drips of the paint. People at the museum walk by, in front and in back of her. A few people have said "excuse me," and have even bumped into her. She is simply lost to this painting. In another time and place, it would be strange that such a strong spirited and independent police officer would become so lost, so enamored with a damn painting, but that's just it, nothing seems to make sense right now.

Having grown up in the city that never sleeps, Olivia knew instinctively where the Museum of Modern Art is located. What she cannot recall is how she walked here. She did though. As she becomes aware of here surroundings: fourth floor, MOMA, and the only Jackson Pollack painting they have on display. _Not my Grayed Rainbow, but it makes me feel something, other than sheer suffocation._

The tears are flowing and they will not stop. She's among dozens of visitors, and staff at the museum. Olivia has the most urgent need to flee before she has a breakdown in public. She craves space, a place just to breathe.

"Mam, this way. Please come with me." A security guard by the name of Reggie grounds her with his voice, he is a stranger in the sea of strange, but in the moment she will take it. He leads her out the emergency exit. He is tall, sturdy and professional in his black suite jacket. As they walk down another flight of stairs it leads them to the Sculpture Garden. It is outside, where there is air to breathe, to fill her lungs with. There are still people milling around, but when she cries silently she will feel less on display, feel less shredded.

Reggie eyes her cautiously. "My mother suffers from severe panic attacks. My dad is a cop, I uh, saw your badge. I have no clue about you, but you look like you just needed to get the hell outta there. But, please if I have it all wrong..." His voice falls flat. Reggie is second guessing his decision to help her. He know he broke all kinds of protocol, leaving his post, using the emergency exit, and for what is not completely sure. This lady is not even talking.

Olivia finally makes true eye contact with Reggie. "No Reggie. Thank you, really. You saved me in there. Just thank you." With that she walks away and is breathing again. In the Sculpture Garden, she finally texts Nick, Fin, and Amanda that is okay, because in that very moment she is.

Her brain and body are dividing and conquering, separating and dealing. Vaguely, she is aware that she is pregnant. The nausea reminds her of a bad carnival ride at Coney Island. How her body has managed to hold onto a fetus is astounding at this point, considering the stress and shock of the recent of events. Olivia has managed to make an urgent appointment with her gynecologist for 8:30 am. tomorrow. They were already overbooked and tried to schedule for next Wednesday. It took major convincing and begging, the tipping point was the mention of her age, 45, and the words "unknowingly consumed wine." They now will get her in right away.

The remaining wine bottles have been dumped down the drain, the glass sits in the recycling bin. It is ironic to Olivia, she feels like the last year of her life has been in the recycling bin as well. She threw out the rest of Brian's hard liquor and the last of his beer. She can still feel him in her apartment, the sounds of the Knicks scoring their baskets. As she sits on the kitchen floor, cleaning up a wine bottle she threw in a haste of emotion, Olivia looks over and sees the gaudy bull skull with horns that Brian had insisted upon decorating the apartment with. She remembers moving it around several times, until finally it was placed on a lower shelf where it could hardly be seen. Sitting on the tile, surrounded by shards of glass, she's laughing and crying. God, she misses Brian.

The irony of everything is not lost on her.

While Olivia is the consummate overachiever in life, sleeping is a task she has always failed miserably at. She's awake at 3:23 am. crying for the third time in the last two hours. The internet can be a sea of misinformation, but she has a read enough words on her screen about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to know that her baby could seriously be hurt, especially given how early she is in her pregnancy. Olivia's own mother who was not keen on having her in the first place had managed to largely abstain from alcohol during her pregnancy. This was during a time when doctors were giving little warning about even doing so. This baby that Olivia is carrying is beyond wanted, yet questions remain about the baby's health.

When sleep does finally come, it's broken and jagged, and full of painful nightmares. Lewis is taunting her about her child, "Olivia, come on now, you really think you deserve to be a mother, that you can handle it?" "I bet if you have a little girl, she will grow up to me just as much as fun as you. Or better yet, how about a boy, he might take after your daddy?" Olivia wakes up in a panic, dripping in sweat. She practices her deep breathing, calmly drinks her water.

"I promise little baby. Mommy is a mess right now, but no matter what I love you so much. We will be okay." This time she places her hand over her stomach protectively, Olivia is slowly coming into the idea of finally being a mother.

Her final dream of the night. She is with a little boy, who is about three years old. He resembles Eli, but it is clearly not him. In this dream Olivia has the feeling that this is her son, he is happy and healthy. They are finger painting together. There is paper on the floor, his paints are everywhere. Chubby little fingers dipping into the colors, they are running across the paper making colors, shapes, and patterns. Olivia and this little boy are laughing with joy, she is so happy in this dream. This is the type of dream you hold onto, the kind that grounds you even in the darkest hour.

Dr. Sandy Martinsdale has been a mother twice already, she has delivered hundreds of babies, and she five years younger than Olivia. Olivia cannot stop her fears of inadequacy. While she can provide a home full of more love than anyone she has known, the rest of puzzle pieces make her nervous, causing undue anxiety. What is she going to do about Brian, and what to tell him? Her apartment is too expensive and yet too small for a child. But the biggest hurdle, is making it through the pregnancy with a healthy a baby. That seems to be the biggest question of all.

"I just can't imagine that the baby could be okay. There was an assault, and drinking. I took a test months ago. It was negative. My job changed, I had more wine. Look, I know it sounds awful. I know more than anyone, I just, I can't." Olivia is crying again. She was once an immoveable fortress, now she's just as human as everyone else.

Dr. Martinsdale lays a calming palm on Olivia's tan forearm. "Olivia, please stop for a minute. We need to take one thing at a time. We don't even know if there is anything to worry about yet. Let's get some facts, if anything comes up, we take one thing at a time. Okay?" With her even keeled voice Olivia finally calms.

"Okay, I can do that. One thing at a time. My weight, I only gained about 7 to 8 pounds, is that normal?"

"Olivia, I would like to start with an ultrasound, we want to get a good look at your baby, and get some measurements. Then we figure out how far along you are, we can discuss weight gain."

The immediate prospect of having an ultrasound to see her child is not lost on Olivia, she is dumbfounded. She is a bundle of nerves and excitement. She wishes to be a regular mother, who has nothing but sheer and utter joy, but guilt and fear of the unknown are driving this course.

"Lift up your gown for me. That's it, good. The conductive gel is a little cold feeling. So Olivia, if we can find out, do you want to know the sex of the baby?"

Dr. Martinsdale's warm bedside manner explain why it was so hard to schedule an appointment with her.

"Um, I uh, didn't really think of it. I dreamt I was having a boy though. Can we tell this early?"

"Well, I am not sure. We don't yet know how far along you are yet. Let's see here."

The doctor is slightly going back and forth on Olivia's stomach with the ultrasound transducer. Swooshing noises can be heard. Then the noise of joy. "Hear that Olivia? That is your baby's heart beat, it is a really strong one too." Finally, tears of joy.

"Let me take some measurements here." Typically the ultrasound technician would be doing this work, but her doctor is being thorough and extra careful with the knowledge of what has been happening.

"The baby's head is the perfect size, the body is on small side, but still within normal range. I am seeing normal movements for your gestational period. I know we don't have an exact date of your last period, but I would say you are about 15-16 weeks along right now."

"You said on the small side, that is something I did."

"Olivia, listen to me, please. You cannot spend the rest of your pregnancy second guessing everything you have done or not done. You need to keep your stress levels low, and try to stay as healthy as possible. I would recommend an amniocentesis. There is a slight risk with doing the test, but based upon your age, and precipitating factors, it is best to know as much as we can. The amniocentesis will test for major chromosomal deficiencies"

"Yes, do whatever test we need to. Tell me please, will this tell me if the alcohol has caused any damage?"

"I am going to be straight with you here. The first months are the most important, when it comes to alcohol consumption. The amnio won't tell give us a full scope of that. The only way to truly see if there is any damage, or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, is upon delivery."

"Oh god, what have I done?" Olivia starts crying more.

"Olivia, please let me remind you. You are doing everything you can now to have a healthy pregnancy. It's obvious how much you love your baby. Babies are born perfectly healthy from worse circumstances. We can't change the past, we can fight like hell for the future though."

Seven days later, Nick, Amanda, and Fin are at Olivia's apartment celebrating the Grand Jury's decision not to indict. Murphy had politely declined the invite, while he is their leader and current protector he wants to maintain a professional distance.

Olivia's knows how he separated the 'bigger truth from the littler truth.' This fellow officer saw qualities in her worth fighting for. She didn't tell her work family what Murphy had done to save her shield, in the end they probably would have done it for her too.

"So Liv, when are you coming back? I miss my partner." Nick is on his second glass of wine.

"I don't know guys. I have some vacation time coming, I need a little more time to get my head on straight, you know? But yeah Nick, I miss your sorry ass too."

They all laugh, and it feels good.

Fin is always good for calling Liv on her bullshit. "So where's Cassidy, and don't tell me he is workin' undercover or some shit like that?"

"Could never pull one over on you Fin, huh? Brian and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. Nothing dramatic, I love him, he just isn't my person."

Nick's feathers are riled. "So Liv, what was all that crap at the hospital about you calling him?"

"Look, Nick. I appreciate that all of you care, really I do. You're the closest I have got to family. But I don't have to tell you everything, I didn't want you to worry."

Olivia stands up from her couch, stretching and yawning. Her friends take the hint. Amanda eyes Nick, and swats at Fin. "Hey Liv, it's getting late. We are going to take off. I have to get these boys home and in bed, or Murphy will my ass in a sling," Amanda laughs at her own joke.

"Okay, thanks for coming over, and for everything, really." Olivia is so grateful for all of them.

She finally sleeps better that night, it is not perfect, but she does not remember Lewis haunting her during the night.

It's 10:30 am on a Thursday, she is stretched out on her couch in dark gray yoga pants, and light gray sweatshirt. Olivia's hair is tied up in messy ponytail. These days she dresses for herself alone. Things that make her feel comfortable and beautiful. Now, in the quiet and solitude of her apartment stretch pants have won out.

Her only required venture out for the day will be Dr. Lindstrom's office for a 6:00 pm appointment. There is a high chance Dr. Martinsdale with call with the results of her amniocentesis before the day is done. She has been casually trying to exist for the last seven days, pretending that life changing results were not right around the corner, now that they day is here, she is questioning the rationale of said coping mechanism.

"Little baby, little baby, Momma is going nutty here. I think you are little boy, but I could be wrong. I just want you to be happy and healthy. But, if you are sick." Olivia starts crying again. "I'm sorry baby. Mommy isn't always a big ball of tears, you will see. Anyways, if you are sick, you and me, we got this. I love you no matter what." This promise is the easiest one she will ever make and keep.

She has joined two message boards in the last two hours, and posted four times, so this is what boredom looks like. It is easier bonding with women online whom she will never meet. There is less room for judgment, there is a weird community feeling on one of the mom-to-be message boards. She wrote a bit about her fear about the wine drinking, of coursing she left out the glaring details. Olivia is not as alone as she once felt she was.

The phone finally rings a little after 2 o'clock. Immediately she knows it will be Dr. Martinsdale.

"May I please speak with Olivia Benson, this is Dr. Martinsdale."

"Speaking, yes hello doctor. Do you have the results of my amniocentesis?"

The doctor hesitates for a few seconds too long. Immediately, Olivia thinks her world is about to end. "Please, just tell me."

"Olivia, how are you feeling?"

"Don't placate me, I give bad news to parents everyday. Just tell me what I have done to my baby."

Dr. Martinsdale is dealing an atypical patient. Olivia is a reader of all things people, even over the phone she is beyond perceptive. Normally, she would get a gauge of how the patient is doing, then work into the results, whether they are good or bad. Amniocentesis tests always come with varying degrees of stress, even when they are normal.

Her voice is more pleasant than Olivia expects for someone who is about to deliver devastating news.

"Olivia, we aren't completely out of the woods yet, but we have good news so far. Everything came back good, you have no chromosomal abnormalities, and your amniotic fluid is normal."

Silence.

"Olivia, are you there?"

"Yes, doctor. I was just so sure something would be wrong. I know that sounds bad but. Really, I am okay so far.

"Yes, Olivia. You and your baby girl are doing just fine."

Baby girl. Doing just fine. Baby girl Benson.

"It's a girl? Wow. It just seems so real. Thank you doctor."

"Let me put you on hold, I will get Shelly on the phone to set up your next appointment. Olivia, you will make a great mother."

Judge Judy has been playing in the background for 22 minutes. It is not the type of show that Olivia usually lets herself indulge in, it requires little no brain activity. For that she's content. She has an hour and half to kill before she leaves for Dr. Linsdstom's office. Her grocery shopping will be done on the way home. Her life will consist more of planning than it used to, it provides an odd sort of contentment.

Her mind still has a thousand places to sort out, but for a brief few minutes watching boring television is just fine. It is something that people do everyday, in fact people have babies everyday. They raise children everyday.

A daydream is carrying her far away. Far away from her apartment, from Judge Judy, and from the precinct. In this daydream she imagines herself in Central Park with her daughter. She has Olivia's hair color, and Brian's eyes. When her daughter is older, she might be sassy and stubborn like her mother, and might tell bad jokes that she thinks are funny just like her father. There are million combinations of Olivia and Brian, in any child they sound wonderful to her mother.

Olivia realizes how hungry she is, the first time in hours that she has not been grossly nauseous. Kitchen cupboards are being slammed open and shut as she looks for her favorite peppermint tea. Finally, finding it all the way back, it is a struggle to reach for it. As the tea kettle whistles loudly, she missed the knock on the door the first time.

She hears the second and third time. It is odd timing. Everyone that would be coming over, came over last night. She has yet to tell Brian. Without much thought, she considers it to be a person who has the wrong address, the quicker she gets rid of them, the quicker the she can drink her tea in the quiet April afternoon.

"Just a minute, I think you have the wrong..." as she swings the door open.

"What the hell?" Olivia mutters more to herself, as she slams the door shut. This is not happening, certainly not today.

Of course, he is not going to give up. When Elliot wants something, the selfish bastard never gives up.

"Liv, open the door. I just saw you, I know you are in there. Please, five minutes."

Olivia opens the door six inches, Elliot uses his body like a wrecking ball and pushes the door open further.

"I don't have time for your shit. What the fuck do you want?" Olivia's cheeks are an angry red, and her eyes are warning of an impending tropical storm.

"I saw you on the news, police brutality my ass." Elliot is not holding back anything.

Olivia walks quickly into her kitchen, she cannot face him. He does not get to know her now. Any part of her life is off limits to him. If she turns around too soon she might crack down the middle, might break into shards of glass like the glass on her kitchen floor from the other day. She steels herself against his oncoming onslaught. How dare he come into her home, to try and tear down her walls.

"I get that I have no rights, not after all this time. But Christ, Liv, I ain't fuckin' leaving." There is a timbre in his voice that is stronger than she ever remembered, it breaks the last of her. She has yet to turn around again, but she knows from the seconds she saw him that his body mass is a force to be reckoned with. He's wider than before, not softer.

"Get out of my house, I have nothing to say to you." Nothing, except my spirit was crushed by you, my once best friend.

"Too bad, I have plenty to say." Because he likes to take, and cannot take no for an an answer, he steps close to her. He places strong grip on her bicep, and hauls her around so she has to look him in the eye.

What they both see is utter devastation. Elliot, like a lion, is full of fight. Fighting for her, not against her this time.

"No!" She is raw, and opened. She is so certain that she would not fall apart because of Elliot Stabler. Olivia swore he would never claim any part of her, any part. Yet, she is crying.

"Yes, Liv." It is the way El uses her nickname. His eyes are wet with tears too, he is not the only one has been living in the abyss.


	3. The Spaces in Between

Author's notes: I am so thankful for the reviews thus far, that being said they certainly motivate me as a new writer. Don't hesitate to let me know what you think, I want give these favorite characters a good storyline. I also want this to be realistic for their ages, Liv's healing, staying cannon when possible, and accurate characterization. I have a new appreciation for people's stories, you never know how much hard work goes into one until you write one yourself. Bless all the writers out there. And for the all the readers, I hope you are enjoying reading it, as much as I am writing it. SVU characters are not mine.

Also, I could use a beta. If anyone knows of one that might be available PM me. Thank you :)

It has been 34 months and change since she has seen him, heard his voice, or felt his presence in any form. Of course, Elliot haunts her dreams, both day and sleep dreams. What he left behind was akin to a boat on the choppy seas, as it flies by at super sonic speeds, it leaves a wake of water bouncing and splashing around. Olivia was like lobster trap in the ocean, just sitting and waiting, for anything. Elliot had been the boat that tore through, making that lobster trap dislodge, and move in every direction it was never supposed to go.

Elliot came prepared dressed with his invisible armor and metal shield. He found her apartment, her sanctuary. He has been planning this bomb of a visit, the Hiroshima attack. He has some sort idea of William Lewis, after all he witnessed her desperate news confession. My how the mighty have fallen. Elliot has ideas about how her life has been. He realizes that she has not a fucking clue about him. None of this is fair. Elliot has to get some grounding before this blows up completely in both of their faces.

"I have an appointment. I was just about to leave before you decided to rudely push your way into my apartment, Elliot."

"Really? I call bullshit. Unless you are going to some snooty exercise class, you aren't going anywhere dressed like that."

"Oh that's rich! You haven't seen me in what, three freaking years, and you have the right to comment on my wardrobe?"

"No Liv, I could care less about what you are wearing, I just know you can't stand to be in the same room as me, and would say anything to bolt."

"Okay fine, three years, one solid thing we can agree on! Now that's out in the open that, I can't stand the sight of you, would you please leave?"

Cannot stand the sight of what? She is lost count of all these things. It's the broken and bruised bodies, the soulless eyes of the victims, the blood on the hands of the bastard perpetrators, and the lies she tells herself and others. Because what is one more lie? The sight of him takes her breath away. Not from attraction, but from suffocation. There was once an attraction, she reckons you can also be attracted to sight of a car accident on the side of a road, it is sick and twisted, and altogether unhealthy.

"Not yet, I have some things to say. Things you should hear, and you should listen to. God knows I am shit with words, Olivia. Fuck."

Barricade yourself in just a little more, go ahead and listen to his crap, she tells herself.

"Whatever Elliot, you honestly only have minutes. I legitimately have an appointment I have to get ready and leave for." With the reemergence of her ex-partner who doubled as her best friend of a dozen years, and the rat-bastard Lewis who tried to kill Olivia and her 16 week old fetus, she will definitely run out of things to talk about in therapy tonight. Whit and sarcasm.

Elliot is pacing alongside her barstools. He has had days, weeks, and even months to imagine how this conversation would go. He mistakenly thought because he came to her, he would have the upper-hand, a plot or plan. Olivia is the buried gold on a treasure map. X marks the spot. So many people have sought out this illusive gold, only to go home empty-handed, and some have given their lives trying. Elliot lost the first map, he will painstakingly rebuild a second one.

He stops in his tracks, rubbing his forehead with his palm. "I owe you explanations,

I get that. I saw your confession on the news, none of it was you, it was like you were lost to the world. It was time, I at least owe you that."

"I have every right to be pissed the fuck off. I was hurt and angry, but it was a long time ago. I got over it, I'm fine."

"Does he actually believe that horse shit line?"

Olivia's detailed eye brow perks up incredulously, "who?"

"Your new partner?"

"Why the hell would you get to ask about Amaro?"

"Ah, boy wonder has a name." Men who are guilt-ridden are quick to sling mud, Elliot has a pigsty full of it.

"His name is Detective Nick Amaro, and no he doesn't usually believe when I tell him 'I'm fine.'" Olivia has been starring intently at her kitchen counter, it really is them most interesting focal point in the room at the moment. When her eyes meet Elliot's gaze, it's deep and hard, it reminds her of familiar squad room battle they would always have, except back then the winners were clearly defined, Benson and Stabler, now they both simply lose.

"Good, he sounds decent enough." Well then.

"Excuse me."

"Come on Olivia, no one buys it when you say you're fine. If they do, they don't give a damn about you."

"What the hell would you know about caring about me? You made it perfectly clear the only person you give a damn about is yourself Elliot!" She is seeing red, dark crimson red. In another time, or another place she would slap him.

"Liv, I have never stopped caring about you, not one single day. My life fell apart for a lot of reasons, and then there was family stuff I had to tend to. I just thought, I thought.." His voice falls flat, it is failing him, just like he failed his partner. He cannot even look at Olivia. Elliot is walking away from her, retreating back into the hole of a man he once was.

"Look Elliot, I get it. Your family comes first, you have to take care of them. This was about work, and I can take care of myself. We had a good long run together, and no one can take anything away from us." Nothing can be taken away when there is nothing left, there are no negative numbers when it comes a person's emotional status.

He closes their distance in minus 3-2-1, giant steps across the room toward her, he will bridge this divide.

"Don't, you don't get to do that."

"Do what exactly, Elliot?" She grates out his name effectively as possible.

"Treat our partnership, or friendship, or whatever the hell we had, like it was some sort of work thing."

"Well wasn't it? I think you leaving, not returning my calls, emails or texts, relegates us to just a work thing Elliot." Olivia is laying down her bricks and mortar, she is starting to add the layers up, to protect herself from him before he even walks out the door again, lessons learned the hard way.

Brick by brick by brick.

"You need to leave, we are done here. I am sure you are needed at home."

Elliot is still wearing his gold anchor on his ring finger.

"I've got nothin' but time. Kathy is gone, and Eli is with Kathleen for the night." He wears bewilderment well.

Because no one can tear each other down like they can, it is her turn to maim. Olivia was rolled over on the ground exposed, awaiting the attack. It is his turn now.

"What Elliot, did Kathy finally smarten up and leave your sorry self?" Olivia wishes she could regret her statement, but in a perverse way she wants him to suffer even for just a minute.

What she does not expect, is utter devastation. Elliot's eyes are a mix of anger and disgust, a nuclear fusion and tornado of blue.

"Christ Olivia, don't be such a bitch! This was a mistake I shouldn't have come here."

Of course he could be more original, stay and fight like a real man. He is leaving again, proving that Olivia should have layered her bricks more rapidly.

"You're pathetic Elliot. You can't handle the truth about Kathy finally having the guts to leave you, which has to be reason you're running away like a coward."

"No. You have no right! A lot of things, a whole lot of shit you can say, but not about her, you got that?"

"Whatever Elliot, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out."

She is done. Her body is beyond stressed, her breathing is picked up. Olivia remembers Dr. Martinsdale's comment about keeping her baby girl safe. Elliot is brandishing a type of danger that she wants no part of.

Olivia is walking towards her bedroom, she has minutes to change and leave for her counseling appointment. Minutes to center and calm herself.

Elliot had a purpose for coming here, Olivia has a way of disarming him every single time, every time. He follows Olivia into the privacy of her bedroom, he has never been one to be patient with her.

"Olivia, look at me dammit." The bull is sounding

If she turns around, he will see her tears on her face. Her tears are more turbulent now, than William Lewis' most recent path of destruction.

Twelve years still dance around them, running through their blood, their kidneys they promised to donate to each other, and in their broken and scarred hearts. Because of all of this she turns around for him, to him.

"Kathy didn't have a choice when she left me, or when she left us." He cannot even look at her, this is what broken looks like.

"El, I don't understand."

This time Olivia uses her small frame with strong muscles, home to an unborn baby, to surround Elliot.

"Kathy got ovarian cancer last year. She fought like hell for a long time. She did treatment after treatment." Elliot is a man with little words or hope in this moment. The loss is palpable everywhere, as it swallows their anger whole.

Olivia will remember this moment in her bedroom for the rest of her life, while she cries with Elliot. She usually comes undone when no one is looking. She leads him to her bed. "Here sit." Stay please, except that is only thought in her head.

Elliot tentatively sits down on her bed, like this the strangest thing he has done in 48 years on earth, and maybe it is. Olivia folds up her legs Indian style. She has a box of tissues planted between herself and Elliot. Elliot is sitting so he is facing her on an angle, and but he can fully see everything about her for the first time in nearly three years.

That damn box of tissues, Olivia hands one to Elliot. He didn't realize he was crying this much. He is too keenly aware of everything else, he feels like a grenade, move an inch and he might blow. Elliot freaking misses Kathy, he really does. But this heavy lead weight with Olivia has had no resolution for months, that transpired into years, hits him square between the eyes; realizing how much he missed and craved her since everything went to shit.

Olivia shyly grabs his hand. While rage still burns within her, she's always been the better friend. "El, talk to me. It's okay."

Olivia's physical body temperature is cool on Elliot's skin. She does not radiate heat like a furnace, like he thought he might. Still there is a transfer of warmth that has nothing to do with temperature, and everything to do with hope.

Elliot runs a hand over his cropped hair to the back of his neck. He's breathing a bit easier now. He came to his partner's apartment because she needs help, they have a dysfunctional friendship in that is in ruins. In the back of his mind, he is realizing how much he still NEEDS her too. They are the Phoenix.

"Um, I thought I was doing better with this. I really was, it's just you know?" Elliot wants her to know what he means without saying anything.

Olivia does know what he means, but it has been too long, there are too many lies on their lips, singularly and collectively. If there is anything worth rebuilding, they have try from a new angle. "No El, I don't know. Tell me. I am not going anywhere."

"The less fucked up version is, after I shot Jenna I completely fell apart. I drank way too much, all the time. Kathy couldn't stand me not being around even though I was there every single damned day. Somewhere in there, there was a divorce. Things got a little better with my kids. Then out of no where, Kathy got sick, really fast."

"Jesus El." Because saying "I'm sorry" has been said by everyone else, and Olivia knows he will not listen to it from her.

"Ovarian cancer has hardly any symptoms. The one thing we got out it was family time. We had the best year together, and I will have that to carry with me. Only Kathy, while she was dying could make me 'man up' and take responsibility." Elliot stops, "You would have killed me months ago." His pathetic attempt at humor causes Olivia to crack half a smile.

"You're such as an asshole. I would have put your stuff out on the front lawn though."

"So Kathy dragged my sorry ass to therapy, she told me I had to get my shit together myself, her, and our family." That day will always haunt his memory, it was a gift in that he got to start over, but is was tremendously grayed in its surroundings. Kathy also included Olivia's name in the list of people he had to fight for, she was listed with their family, Elliot leaves this part out of the conversation for now.

"Do you want anything to drink, water I mean?"

"Nah, I'm okay. I can't do all of this tonight, but basically, we had some really really good months together. She died Jan 5th of this year." He manages this last statement without crying somehow.

Jan 5, 2014. They were both going through hell during the same time. Olivia remembers laying in bed with Brian during the trial, praying to a God she's was not sure she believed in. Praying the trial would be over, praying that Lewis would be found guilty. She was also cursing Elliot, while he needed prayers as well.

Olivia cannot think of anything to say to help either of them. Words were never easy for them, never who they were. They were ballistic reports, cases closed, souls saved, and bleed-outs on pavement. They were and are movement, motion, and lost fluidity. When they move again, it finally fucking feels like fluid found.

Olivia pulls Elliot into the most awkward hug for the ages. Their bodies are only connected above their hearts, her arms tightly wrap around his strongly corded neck, with her chin fitting in the crux of his shoulder. Olivia smells a dream he has had his whole life, vanilla, comfort, and something he does not wish to think about yet. It is a scene played in their minds at least a dozen times before. They hold each other making a triangle, like the Eiffel Tower, for long minutes or seconds. Time stops, not in the cliched way. Time stops because, they just stop counting.

The only thing that matters is for that one perfect moment they feel okay, even for just a nanosecond.. Sometimes it is all they are allotted these days. They are both bound to fuck this up, in days, hours, or even minutes. But there is something for learning to let go and live in the moment.

"I missed the hell outta you." Olivia finally says, as the pulls away from him.

"You have no idea how much I have missed my partner." The words stings both of them as comes from his lips.

"Liv, don't you have an appointment or something?"

"Shit, I do. I would cancel, but it's with my therapist, I have had a rough few weeks." She's openly admitting, as she moves up from the bed.

"I won't pretend, I'm not great in the kitchen, but if you want, I can run out and get stuff to make spaghetti, we could have dinner together?"

Olivia will be late for meeting with Dr. Lindstrom, there is no doubt. She's still on high alert from her entire life, like a live wire. Dinner with Elliot sounds amazing on one hand, it could also end in her wanting to slap him. Her priority is to take care of herself.

"Thanks, but I don't think it's a good idea. Yet."

"Why?" His tone is a bit more stern, but even. He will not scare her.

She pauses for minute, thinking. "If we do this, it's on my terms got it? I'm still pissed at you." Still going for honesty.

"What terms are we talking here?"

"Not too much with the dark and heavy stuff tonight, we go from there. Don't make me talk about things before I'm ready."

"I can handle all that."

"El, I need to be able to trust you again."

"Wow, I royally fucked this up, huh?"

"You think?" She deadpans.

"I already know that I did Liv, I already know."

Elliot walks out of her bedroom, leaving Liv to close her door. She can hear him in her kitchen, dropping a pan. He will find that her food choices are limited, something she will have to work on with her impending life changes. The next sound is most welcomed. Elliot is laughing, a hardy belly-laugh.

"What on earth is so funny out there?" Olivia peeks her out of the bedroom door.

"This. I so don't see this as your decor." He is brandishing Brian's offensive looking bull-skull.

"What the hell would you know about decor?" Finally, she is laughing and if feels wonderful. "That sir, is for another day."


	4. Dreams and Flutterings

Author note: SVU characters are not mine. This chapter has a trigger warning from a flashback scene. Thank you all for the feedback thus far, please keep it coming!

This chapter has a lot going on, but I didn't have the heart to break it up, or leave you with an evil cliffhanger, so it's all here. Please R&R. Many thanks!

It is unseasonably warm and humid for the middle of April. Olivia gets up for the third time in the last four hours, nothing is making making her comfortable. First it was the horrible indigestion. Once that subsided sleep finally gave way. Then the first of two wicked nightmares trickled in. The first one was the most gruesome, involved William Lewis and Amelia, except little Amelia ended up with blood splatter trickling down her face. Olivia had instinctively wiped the blood off her face, absolving the twelve year old of sins she had yet to commit in this world. When Olivia had awoken from the hell, her pulse raced and her body was drenched in sweat. Opening the window for fresh air seemed like a good idea.

An hour later, she's cleaning her kitchen counters vigorously while her tea kettle whistles. Her favorite peppermint tea, a relaxation vice, is in the works. "Okay Little Girl, Mommy has got to get some sleep. I have to be at work in two days and I need a better sleep schedule. Do you think we can muster up some better dreams?" Her palm rubs circles over her abdomen. Back and forth, around and around. "Sweet baby in there, I really liked the dream where there was finger painting on the floor. You'll have to forgive Mommy, in the dream there was a little boy. How about we make a deal? You help me dream about you and me finger painting tonight, and I will sing to you tomorrow?"

Olivia is laughing quietly to herself. She cannot fathom that she would be this person that would easily have one sided conversations with a 17 week-old fetus. Yet here she is, in living and loving color.

Other thoughts play in the back of Olivia's mind like marionettes. Elliot for all intense purposes could be pissed at her, except he is not. She is not used to his calm, and is really ready for the floor to bottom-out at any given moment. He had just finished pouring the meat and tomato sauce on the spaghetti, and had garlic toasting in the oven Olivia had called him, she explained that they needed to reschedule dinner for another night this week. "You realize I finished making it already right?"

"El, I can't tonight. Please understand I need some time, I really do want to spend time with you, I just need time."

"Okay, Liv. Whatever you need. Just call or text me, and we can do this soon."

"El, thank you, really. Please take the spaghetti home for you and Eli. I will get dinner for us in a few days. I'm glad you came by."

"If I don't hear from your sorry self in a few days, I will show up at your step unannounced again, so you better call. That's a promise."

Olivia had smiled as she listened to think Brooklyn accent. The names and El and Liv pinged back and forth, like sonar signals finding their home in deep murky waters.

"Good night, El."

After arriving home late from her therapy and run to Gristede's supermarket, she was expecting to heat up frozen food. Utter exhaustion had set in from her roller coaster day of amniocentesis results and the wrecking ball Elliot Stabler. A most pleasant surprise was a note from Elliot.

Olivia, Your sghetti is in the fridge. A much better option than whatever pathetic thing you are planning on putting in the microwave. Sleep well. ~El

Olivia went to bed full in all the ways that matter, and slept surprisingly well.

Currently, her peppermint tea hits the spot. On impulse she shoots off a 3:30 am text message.

*Like old times, can't sleep*

Twenty minutes go by and she's practically drifted off to sleep, hopefully to a sweet slumber this time. She catches a glow of her phone, incoming text alert. Elliot.

*4:00? I'm too old for this. What's up?*

*How are the kids?*

*Are you kidding me?*

*Never mind, sorry*

She can tell on his phone that he taking forever to type. He's either erasing and retyping like a madman, or this big clunky fingers make him the world's slowest typer.

Or.

*Sorry, just thought this would be in person, not text. But I will take what I can. Maureen is really good. Good boyfriend. They met in law school. Eli is growing like a weed. He's sarcastic and funny, and strong as hell. He misses Kathy like crazy. He doesn't really understand it. Dickie finally stopped hating me after I stopped drinking so much. We fought for a long ass time. He's taking classes at he community college. Lizzie is the glue that holds everybody together, my little trooper. Always on the Dean's list, she's studying to be journalist.*

*I don't get how they don't hate me & how they turned out so great most times.*

*Please tell me you're not this dense? What about Kathleen, how is she?*

*Dense? Ha, very funny. Like you're a prize, Liv. Kathleen is my little butterfly. I know that sounds corny. We had a hard time with her again*

*I'm more of a prize than you will ever be, jackass! Oh, El. What happened with Kathleen?*

*She's good now. When I was bad, it was just Kathy doing it all. Kathleen thought she was fine without her meds, so she stopped. She had pregnancy scare in there. Thank god it was negative.*

*I'm glad she's doing better. I had a scare in college, it can so frightening to deal with alone.*

*That's just it, she shouldn't have had to be been alone. Why are we texting so much?*

*Why is it easier than talking in real life?*

*Liv, why are you so afraid to talk to me?*

*Not gonna do this now El. Dinner tomorrow night?*

*Maybe, I might have Eli with me. You would get out serious talk.*

*Even better. Look, a lot has changed in 3 years. A LOT. I am not the same person I was before, not all good things either.*

*What the hell is that?*

*I'm done bullshitting, I'm too old and too tired, I have things to live for, if you hurt me, I can't do this*

*Wow, talk about serious over text. See you are afraid to talk to me, I doubt you would say this to my face. I have everything to live for too now. So enough with the games okay?*

*Back up before I get angry. I just mean, I can't have you in my life one minute and gone again. You are either in or not. There is no gray area here.*

No grayed area with Elliot, except it always has been, and seems like it is sea of gray on a canvas of unending color.

*This is my last text of the night. I will be over to your apartment at 7pm with or without Eli. We may fight, and we will because we always have, but dammit I swear to God I am not walking out on your life ever again.*

*That's all I needed to know*

Olivia is a near perfect shot with her Glock. She is is still on leave for two more days, vacation time technically. The nearly 900 gram weight has been on her hip constantly, she feels disconnected without it. She's just finished reading about week 17 of her pregnancy, her daughter is about 140 grams in weight, her loaded Glock is about 900 grams. These numbers just dance around her head.

Her Glock has the potential to shatter and destroy, and it can also save and protect. It is so ingrained that when is it missing, her footfalls feel all wrong. Being a mother is something she has always craved. Olivia is evidence based, the practicality and awe of growing human she's made, is verified in numbers and in mass, 140 grams this week. She is overcome with emotion, the fear this somehow all wrong, and it's a mistake that she is to be entrusted with a tiny human. This fear, this love, this everything stops her dead in her tracks. She is paralyzed. God has made a mistake, he must have. If this was a mistake, surely this miracle 140 gram miracle will disappear. She will be left with only her Glock. The thought is akin to scooping out the remnants of a darkened soul, leaving nothing. Hollow, the abyss of a dark sea.

She smells like drenched sweat of four days gone. Her black shirt is too tight. She has burn marks in places, where people should only be kissed and loved. An under-wire bra that digs in tender flesh, from a monster who sought out to destroy. Her wrists burn in anger from her own metal cuffs that betrayed her. They were to keep the monsters locked away, not to keep you on the edge of death. Then there is his taunting voice, and his vulgar antics. He smells like vodka, and sick sweat. It will be burned into your skull for your eternity. Then you hear his belt buckle, and feel the weight of him dip on the mattress as the climbs on the iron-framed bed. This is it, this what it finally feels like. You will finally be your mother.

The end should be near, but because you are not really sure there is a God or mercy in this world, he puts your gun in your mouth. Your voice, did you know you could be make those sounds, that you could beg like that? Beg for your own existence?

When you have absolutely nothing left to say, or do, because really you aren't fucking done here, and fuck it all, but there HAS to be more than this.

The most strangled sounds that ever were "I wanna live. I'll do anything. I'll do anything."

Olivia is palming ice cubes so hard, they are being destroyed in her hands. They melt away to water and drip onto her couch and floor. Sensory exercises to help with the most hideous flashbacks. This one is on a Friday morning at 11:37 am, not even the middle of the night. There was no loud noises to trigger the violent onset. This one comes in the middle of better hours for her, so it is unexplained in its ferociousness. There is panic to call her therapist, Nick, Brian, anyone, even Elliot who virtually knows nothing of this story. She is hell-bent on foraging alone with this. There are options, she's just expert at tactical avoidance.

8:15 pm on a Friday night, Eli has managed to swindle Olivia out of all of her Go

Fish matches at least twice. For a six year-old he's got undeniable skills and charm, he is 100 percent Stabler. He has convinced "Livia" to invite him and his dad to the Central Park Zoo over April Vacation next week, no this was absolutely not his idea at all. "Livia, my best friend Timmy got to feed the sea lions, can we please do that too? It would be the coolest ever!"

Eli is taken to all things dinosaurs like most kids his age, but the oceans and its inhabitants are his newest passion.

"Sure Eli, we can feed the sea lions." Olivia looks over to Elliot, "I should have asked, do they even have sea lions at the zoo?"

Elliot is putting the finishing touches on Eli's ice cream. "Liv, he saw you coming from a mile away. He's been begging me to take him to take him to that damn zoo for weeks now. And yet, you think you're inviting us." Elliot rolls his eyes the way Kathy used to rolls hers.

Olivia is propped up on her couch with Eli, their discarded Go fish game is all around them. Elliot is comfortably on the floor with this legs crossed, ice cream bowl balanced in his lap. "What's with your bizarre ice cream cravings? It's disgusting, Heavenly Hash and orange sherbet."

Olivia hadn't given much credence to her ice cream pairings. While pregnancy cravings can range from plain bizarre to borderline lunacy, she's certain her pregnancy is not even on Elliot's radar. She is not ready to share her daughter with anyone yet.

Brian. In the middle of the Go Fish matches, sea lions, and the Walton's, Olivia has a moment of panic when she remember she is meeting up with Brian on Sunday to talk. Back to ice cream for the moment. "Chocolate and orange actually pair well together if you must know. Try some." As she sticks her bowl in his face for added annoyance. The back and forth play of the night reminds her of the beginning of Benson and Stabler before shit got heavy. "Get that out of my face."

"Livia, Did Dickie tell you bout Daddy's balls?" Olivia nearly chokes on her water from laughter, out of the mouths of babes.

Elliot's eyes widen. He knows where this story is going, he also hopes Olivia will politely listen to Eli's story without an unnecessary wisecrack about his balls. But Olivia, will never miss an opportunity like this. "No Elliot, I missed this story about your balls." She cannot remember the last time she laughed this hard. It is the kind of laugh people have everyday, but when you forget what it feels like, it's as cliched as a rainbow after a thunderstorm. This is a cliche she could live with.

Olivia still CAN'T stop laughing, her eyes actually tear up. "Livia, why are you laughin' so hard, I din' even tell you the story yet."

"Go ahead Eli, tell me your story."

"Daddy, Me, and Dickie were playing soccer outside, but we couldn't find my big soccer ball, we had to play with my junior soccer ball from last year. Daddy took me to the store to get a big boy soccer ball, except we couldn't find none. He was getting really really mad, and went looking for somebody to help. So this really pretty lady finally comes, and she finds me an official soccer ball, like people on TV have. Daddy was at cash machine ready to pay."

"Okay, Eli, buddy we can finish your story later. It's getting late, and you need to go to bed soon."

"Daddy no, lemme finish my story, Livia wanna hear it, right?"

"Oh of course, I love all your stories. Especially about Daddy's balls."

"I will remember this Liv, payback is a...you know what it is."

Eli is a determined story teller. "Excuse me, my story! So, Dickie says the lady was trying to 'mack it' with daddy, except nobody will tell me what that means. But she was talking to us, and got really close to Daddy. They were talking way too long, I wanted go home and play our soccer. So I yelled 'Daddy's got big balls now, can we go?'" Elliot is obviously embarrassed and Olivia is still loving every damned second of this story. "But, see cause Daddy and this lady was 'mackin it' she forgot to turn of her loud speaker, so the whole store heard me yell he had big balls."

"Liv, I swear to God."

"I can't Elliot. This is the funniest thing I have heard in forever. Your six year old described you being hit on and some cashier accidentally leaves the loudspeaker on, and the whole store hears about your, um big soccer balls."

Eli immediately objects, "I am 6 1/2 years old!"

In the middle of the laughter Olivia has a private moment of joy. She has read about this online, and in her pregnancy book. Her daughter is telling her mother, "I am here sharing in your joy and love." Of course she is 17 weeks old and cannot talk, but for the first time Olivia feels her fluttering about in her cocoon. It feels wonderful, it really does feel like little butterflies or bubbles floating by. Liv is in her own world for a moment, cherishing her peace.

"Liv, what's with the dopey grin?"

"What are you talking about, I do not do dopey anything."

"You may want to tell your face that then," as Elliot chuckles, he is grateful Liv is happy for whatever the reason is, he's quickly learned not to question it and roll with what graces he is given.

"Little man fell asleep, we tired him out pretty good."

"More like you and your card playing, he's going to want to come over all the time Liv, you may have created a monster."

"El, if you go in my room, in the closet up on the shelf is an extra blanket for Eli, until you guys are ready to leave."

"Thanks, I will be right back."

She's gathering the dirty dishes up from the coffee table, and starting to quietly clean up in the kitchen. Overall, the entire night good has been pleasantly smooth. Eli had been a most welcomed buffer. He is light-heated spirit, with a Stabler tenacity that reminds her of Elliot's better qualities. Olivia had underestimated Elliot tonight, a defense mechanism she has perfected to the letter.

It dawns on Olivia that Elliot is taking much too long to simply locate a blanket in her closet. He is either inept in his searching skills, and because he was a damn good detective Olivia suspects that he up to other mischief in her bedroom. She dries her hands off with a towel and heads to her bedroom to investigate. "El, what are you doing in here?"

It is when she is fully in her room that she notices what Elliot is holding. Shit. This is not really the way he planned on him finding out, not that she owes him a damn explanation about anything. But this is Elliot, and he is ALWAYS feels like he has a right to know and to be involved, even when relinquished his rights three years ago.

"I'm not that guy anymore."

"Excuse me?" She's utterly confused, things she thought she knew about Elliot seem to disappearing all the time.

"I mean, I am really surprised. You and Cassidy?" He is holding a framed pictured from Munch's retirement party. It is a candid shot of Brian's pressing a tender kiss to the side of her face, a time and space of happiness.

"What about Brian and me? Elliot, I don't owe an explanation if that's what you are looking for?"

"I know Liv. When I was in therapy with Kathy, she kept talking about how I wanted to control everybody, like who the kids dated. It made me really mad, I am their father for Christ sakes, how do I not have a say?"

Olivia has thoughts in the head that are best unsaid for the moment, she is waiting to hear Elliot's ramblings, he's never been great at communicating, that still has not changed.

"What Kathy reminded me of, I can't pick who they love, I just want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy, and not end up with assholes. And so if I did that with you and people you dated, I'm sorry."

"Who are you, and what have you done with Elliot Stabler?"

"Aren't you a peach. Liv, this is really hard for me. I'm still partly a jerk, and so I would ask how the hell you ended up Brian Cassidy, and he didn't deserve you."

"What happened to our fun evening?"

Elliot walks over and quietly shuts Olivia's door, he has not intention of waking up Eli from his peaceful sleep.

"Why are you so infuriating?

"Elliot, really? I am not the one who is snooping around your bedroom."

"Snooping? You told me to come get a blanket in your room, this frame was right out on your dresser for anyone to see." His voice is getting deeper and more intense.

"You don't get it Olivia, do you? I have been upfront with you about what has happened with Kathy and the cancer, and me and my drinking. My kids hated me for awhile. Do you know what that was like to tell you all of that? You used to look at me like I could protect you, now you know I couldn't even protect my family!"

Elliot turns from her, and cannot look Olivia in the eye, he is tired of being less than a man to everyone, especially her.

Except even after the hell they have been through, she never thought of him that way.

Until.

"For fucksakes, next you'll probably tell me you got freaking knocked up by Cassidy, and I won't find out till a Goddamn birth announcement comes in the mail." Then he sarcastically laughs about the absurdity of his comment.

Olivia is beyond livid. He has unknowingly insulted her entire life in less than 30 seconds. People can wait years for a heart transplant surgery, years. They can finally get one, the hope is that your life will be better. You will finally be able to breathe, to feel, and love freely. She waited three years for her transplant, her body is openly rejecting it now, a common occurrence in medicine.

"Okay Elliot, this is it. Here is your fucking announcement. I am leaving my apartment right now. Lock the door when you and Eli leave. Tell Eli I love him. Brian and I did love each other. My daughter is due September 5, she was conceived out of love. You won't be getting anything in the mail. I don't want to see you again. Good bye Elliot."

She closes the door, and walks out into the night.

Nearly four hours later she has the inherent pull to call him, she needs him as an anchor right now. While Olivia craves Elliot, he is indirectly responsible for her current and precarious situation. Stress can break even the strongest of pillars. Brian is not option yet. Nick will be her port in the storm. Olivia has never been this fragile, where she needed to call someone in the middle of night for help, but he has never felt this alone or scared before. Not even when she held a gun to her own head, or when she was a prisoner for 96 hours.

Nick arrives at St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital at 2:30 am. Olivia should be back at work in hours, it is their weekend to catch. At this point he would do anything to be out investigating a heinous crime instead of being at hospital awaiting word on his partner. Worry washes over him.

A nurse finally comes to find him, "Detective Amaro?" He nods.

"Please follow me." Nick follows the nurse through hospital doors, having no clue what to expect. Hospitals and Olivia together, make his stomach sick. When Nick finally sees Olivia she is overtaken by a hospital gown, she's rocking herself back and forth. For the love of God, there is absolutely no way she has been assaulted again, life could not have been that cruel to her.

Olivia is mumbling, and not easily understood. Nick puts a soothing palm on her shoulder, "Liv, can you tell me what happened?"

"I don't know anything yet, I have been waiting forever. I am just so scared, and couldn't be alone."

"Okay, Liv. We will get some answers soon. Did anyone hurt you?"

"Yes, the fucker. I trusted him, I let him back in again and he continues to hurt me." Olivia is starring ahead at the wall, with her arms protectively wrapped around her stomach, tears cascading down her face.

"Who, Brian? If he laid a hand on you I will kill him." Nick is seething.

Olivia's eyes are quick to focus on his intense glare, she realizes Nick is completely out of the loop with her life's latest events.

"Oh God no. He would never lay a finger on me. No, Elliot the jackass. He would never physically hurt me either."

"Liv, explain it to me like I'm a dummy here, cause I am missing something."

There is a quiet knock on the door. "Olivia Benson? Hi, I am Dr. Nickels." He walks directly over to Olivia's exam table. Dr. Nickels is middle-aged, and so tired looking, they are all so tired. "Ms. Benson, before we start I need to make sure it is okay to discuss your medical condition in front of this gentleman?"

"Hi, I'm her partner, Detective Amaro, and she is Sergeant Benson."

"Understood then, Sergeant Benson is it okay if he stays?"

"Yes, he can stay. Can you please tell me the hell is wrong?"

"Am I to understand you are having severe cramping and slight bleeding, and you are about 17 weeks pregnant?"

Nick breathes in sharply, and his eyes enlarge like saucers, comprehending what the doctor is finally saying. Nick sits down by Olivia in a chair next to the exam room table, saying silent prayers for her and baby.

"Okay, we are going to start with an ultrasound to see what is going on there with your baby. I am going to have you lay back on the table, and scoot up some. There that's good." Dr. Nickels was about to go home to his wife and children, he's had about fours of broken sleep in the last 48 hours. He's all too aware that his patient and her partner have similar shifts, and families to go home to, he is hoping Sergeant Benson will have this baby to go home to.

"I know you're scared, you need to steady your breathing some. In and out, nice big deep breaths. Okay, that's bit better. Can you tell me what happened over the last few hours, please?"

The nurse already made her go through this, this pain in unavoidable. "I was having a really good day. I felt her move for the first time today, which was really great." Olivia stops, her tears and crying finally win out again. Nick grabs her hand, gently squeezes, 'you're not alone.'

Sensing the stress building up in his patient again, "it's okay, stop for you now. Lets take a look at your ultrasound.

There is an eternity from the time the cold gel is applied to her stomach until the time the image appears on the screen. Olivia is either eerily calm, accepting the saddest fate, awaiting the news that her sweet baby is gone before she ever had the chance to live outside of her.

Or Olivia has a mother's instinct that her daughter is okay. That she will still feel her baby kicking tomorrow. That she will talk to her and sing to her, and paint with her. She has a sudden day dream about her daughter, it gives her the slightest bit of hope.

The calm only started when Dr. Nickels was about to start the ultrasound procedure, it lasted minutes or seconds. It feels like a miniature lifetime to Olivia. Now that it is taking much too long for the doctor to find anything on the screen, panic washes over her being. Olivia's world could be ending before she ever knew it had started.

Nick is still holding her hand, this will be last thing that breaks her. The last of her. Olivia has turned away from the screen. She has not given it enough time, it has only been a minute or so the he thinks, but it does not bode well. "Liv, turn and look, please."

Olivia turns her tear-stained face to the computer screen. Instead of the nothingness of an abyss, or a non-moving creature, she sees why Nick wanted her to look. "Please tell me, is she alive?"

Before Dr. Nickels has time to speak, the Doppler picks up the singing of her baby's heart beat. Their world, mother and daughter, is just beginning.

"Yes, Sergeant Benson, she has solid movements and a good heartbeat for 17 weeks gestation. Still, we want to monitor you for the next two days or so. We need to make sure you do not go into premature labor, I believe you are having contractions."

Normally, the idea of being admitted to the hospital, let alone being bedridden for at least 48 hours would make Olivia's skin crawl, but this time she does not care, if it means her baby is okay.

Her exhausted body has been in and out of sleep for the past twelve hours. They gave Olivia Indocin intravenously to stop pre-term contractions, after finding nothing else wrong with her. Blessedly, the medication has been working. It left her exhausted and nauseous. The nurses have to wake her every few hours to check her vital signs, so Olivia is never in a deep sleep. It is a sleep perfect for dreams.

When she is finally awake again, mid-morning, bits of her vivid dreams come floating. She is in no shape to relive her persistent dreams about Elliot. She does remember him being very calm, and supportive. The one persistent dream that seemed so real and welcoming is the one that surprised her the most. It was a random 4th of July, they are watching fireworks, she relishes the experience. Her daughter's laugh overpowers the loud fireworks, as she rides on Elliot's shoulders to get a better view of the sky's magic. "I love you daddy," she says with certainty. Except Brian is her father, not Elliot. Her dreams make Olivia miss Elliot tenfold.

On his eighth missed phone call, Olivia begins to question her relationship with him. Is it healthy to have Elliot back in her life? She knows there will be more missed calls until she picks one of them up. Somehow he will track her down, by day three or four he will be at the precinct, he will eventually call the local hospitals to make sure Olivia has not fallen in a ditch some where. Relentless to a fault, or not. He did swear he was not walking out on her life, she is one that said good bye this time. It is this part that makes her cry again.

Desperate for some peace, Olivia swirls her fingers tips on her stomach. This calms her. In return she feels the exchange of joy, she feels the flutterings of her daughter.

Her phone vibrates again on the hospital table, instinctively she knows who it will be. She picks up before it will be the ninth missed call.

"I told you I wasn't walking away. I'm not. The last thing I want to do is upset you, just please tell you are at least physically okay, and I will leave you alone, until you are ready to contact me." Elliot finally exhales, he is afraid to breathe in the middle, afraid she would hang up on him.

"I'm at St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital, I'm okay."

"I know where you are, I'm downstairs in the lobby."

"You never give up, how did you find me?"

"You didn't come back home, it worried the fuck out of me. I called the precinct and local hospitals. Got lucky I guess."

"You did get lucky, I answered the phone."

"Can I come up?"

"No Elliot. My baby almost died, I can't take anymore stress."

"Liv, you're in a hospital hooked up every monitor, if I even increase either of your heart rates, or cause stress I will leave. Liv I..."

He does not finish his sentence. Despite everything they will keep coming back for more, like boxers in the ring. She misses the fuck out of him, even now. Olivia's crying and unaware.

"Room M3402."

Several minutes later Elliot appears like did in her dream. He is ragged looking, with reddened and tired eyes. The two of them must look like hell, she thinks.

"Hey, you can sit down I won't bite you."

"Ah, I was half expecting you to shoot me. How is she?"

"She's good today, I felt her moving again. That dopey grin I had on my face the other night, that was the first time I felt her move. Then hours later, I thought it might all be gone."

Elliot's body is physically stronger than Olivia remembers. His anger and grief had manifested itself into extra long gym sessions. Emotionally, he feels more raw than ever before. While he is more free with his expressing his emotions now, sometimes it feels freeing, other times they feel like they will suffocate him. Elliot's crying is always dignified silent tears, there are no sobs or sniffles or shaky breaths. Olivia is the only one with the ability to change this.

Elliot starts again, he thinks he owes Olivia everything in the world, "I couldn't take it if...," burying his face in hands.

"Elliot please stop crying. I have so much guilt over everything to do with my baby. If anything had happened to her, it would be because of me, not you."

"Liv, I know how upset I made you. That had everything to do with why you are here."

"I only found out I was pregnant about two weeks ago. Brian doesn't even know yet. When I say the last year of my life has been hell, it is a bit of understatement. I had times of happiness. The trial of Lewis was awful, I lied under oath. He knew that. I became acting CO of a dysfunctional squad. Brian was undercover all the time. I drank wine, more than a person should who is pregnant. Fuck..." Olivia lets out a long breath of air she did not realize she was keeping inside.

The crying worsens. "The most fucked up part is, that if weren't for Lewis I still might not have realized I was pregnant. It was because of the second assault that they did my blood test."

Elliot's blood drains from his face, he did not realize the depravity of the situation.

"Second assault?"

"For Christ sakes, I'm begging you not to ask about the details now. Hear that Elliot, begging, I don't beg. To answer your unasked question I was not actually raped, not that matters at this point."

Jesus. Watching his wife of almost thirty years battle cancer was a harrowing experience. The chemotherapy that killed her cancer cells also killed her desire to live, it made Kathy that ill. Between his years on the force, the carnage he saw at war, the sick pedophiles, and his family crumbling around him, Elliot thought he knew the depths despair. He is so wrong.

Elliot pulls his chair closer to Olivia's bed. He grasps her small hand between his two larger hands, he is protecting her and warming her at the same time.

"Okay Liv, whatever you want, whatever you need you got it."

He will always ground her with his presence, his body, and his emotion. His words, are completely new to her.

"The thing with wine can be hard, I get that. But Liv, we see people do such horrible shit all the time, on purpose. Their babies are still born healthy. Your daughter will be loved immeasurably, and that counts for everything. You will be one of the best mothers I have ever known. I am sure of it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"When I look at you I just know."

She has no idea how to reply to that, so she stays quiet, with the tears finally drying on her face.

"I'm going to call Maureen to check on Eli. I'm gonna grab some coffee from the cafeteria, do you want anything?"

"Thanks El, for the moment I have everything I need."

Elliot stands up from his chair, before scooting out. He bends over kisses Olivia's temple. It lasts only seconds before he is out of her room, but the feelings dance around her everywhere. It is ironic that his same lips can harbor words that can both maim and heal her, and now she knows their warmth carry feelings of contentment she has not felt before.


	5. A Rocky Road to a Heavenly Hash

Author notes: Thank you for staying with me on this. This is a necessary transitional chapter, but for some reason it was hard to write. Please let me know what you think in a review. Not only do they mean the world to me, but they help me to gauge if this going in the right direction or not. One a separate note, I will be going back to school on Tuesday and working regularly, the updates will only be 1-2 times a month. I will see this through to the end though.

Happy reading and please R&R. Many thanks :)

Olivia has counted six days that she has been confined in her hospital room. She has a favorite nurse named Veronica who works 11:00pm to 7:00am, full of sass and dry humor, best of all she sneaks ice cream in for Olivia. Ice cream reminds her of better days when Serena was sober, she would occasionally take her to Serendipity, and they would share a decadent frozen hot chocolate dessert. These are the things she imagines she will do with her daughter. Nurse Veronica works three days in a row, so the last two nights have been without ice cream, Olivia wonders who the hell she will bribe to bring her some, she has options now.

She has had a slew of visitors, it seems a good deal of people care about her. She's always known this in this the recesses of her brain, but to actually see them in the flesh makes the otherwise tedious stay, somewhat bearable.

Of late, Olivia is wondering who she has to kill to have a legitimate shower. The unsuspecting nursing assistants bring dry shampoo and dry shower cloths for her to wash up with. Every single time Olivia protests, she will not be winning any congeniality awards.

There is a slight knock at the door, with a very distinct Southern drawl. "Hey Liv, just coming to check on you, I hear you're giving the nurses a run for their money."

"Well maybe if they let me actually take a damn shower, I would be nicer. I have been dizzy from the meds that stop the contractions. They say that makes me a fall risk, so for right now, I cannot take a normal shower. Please just shoot me now."

"Speaking of shootings, can I run something by you, Fin and I are really stuck with something?"

"Anything, I'm desperate enough to try Sudoku soon."

Olivia cracks an honest smile. She's not sure how stuck they really are, or if they know how desperate she is to get back into the swing of things work-wise. She appreciates it all the same.

Amanda casually sits down, perpendicular to Olivia's bed. Amanda is in need of shut-eye, she's been going for almost 48 hours, with less than four hours of sleep. Her clothes are recycled from two days ago, and yet she still manages to look decently processional, aside from her messy up-do. Their squad has been working doubly hard since Olivia has been out, to hunt the city's demons, they will never tell her, she has enough guilt already living inside of her.

"We have a 24 year-old male vic, he's definitely not telling us the whole story. He was drugged at a night club, after waking up with a female date that he knows casually. He has hazy memories of the night."

"Is there any physical evidence of an assault?"

"He was very reluctant to do a rape kit. Fin finally convinced him, he had bruising and some tearing. He's definitely not giving us the whole story, but he is really scared too."

"Anything helpful from the witness?"

Amanda stops for a minutes to rub her tired blue eyes. "That's just it, she went to college with the vic, and admits to being at the party with him. They wake up in bed together, but she said they had no physical contact, and she states that they were not there together, as in no date."

"Hmmm, what are you having the most difficulty with?" Olivia needs a case file and more facts. Bringing her an actual case file is against protocol, and she is growing even more suspicious that Amanda is trying to keep her distracted and sane.

"When we bring up her name, he gets this look in his eyes, like he is about to cry or shut down. At the same time he is fiercely protecting her, when Fin even hinted that she may be involved somehow, he did an 180 and became belligerent."

"If she is not a real suspect, can you talk to them together? You would know if that is even remotely a good idea?"

"I will run it by Fin, it is an angle we could try that we have not done yet. Thanks, Liv."

"Shouldn't I be thanking you?" Olivia's right eye brow raises with the question.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Amanda coyly asks.

"Somehow you know I'm going batshit crazy in here, and I miss working, so you are trying to get me to help you. Tell me I'm not onto something."

"Give Columbo a prize. Yeah Liv, you kind of caught us, but seriously this case is out there, I think we really could use your smarts on this one."

"Since my medical leave has been lengthened, it will all have to be off the record, If anything more comes up you or Fin can call me at anytime. I mean it, it's not like I'm getting any sleep in here anyways."

"Okay, will do. I know Fin wants to stop by and visit, but we didn't want to swarm you, figured you had too many people already, Especially with Nick being so over protective."

Olivia expertly rolls her eyes, "He won't stop texting me, and now I know more about Maria and Zara than I wanted to too. No really though, he's been great and I'm not complaining."

"Speaking of not complaining, who is the man candy that has been pacing in the visitor's area, and walked by your room at least twice?"

"Jesus Christ not you too. The nurses love Mr. Charm as well, believe me he has them all fooled. I told him to go home, he's been hovering lately and its pissing me off."

"Liv, I hate to break it you, but it seems like a lot has been pissing you off from this bed."

"If its all the same I'd rather not talk about him too much right now. All you need to know is that's Stabler out there."

"Stabler, as in your ex-partner? You okay with this? Cause I'm pretty sure we could collectively kick his ass." Amanda's southern accent still bounces back and forth between some words. Amanda's Intel of Benson and Stabler came mostly from Fin, she's learned not ask too many questions. She also knows the cases they closed together changed people's lives, they gave part of their souls away so other people could keep theirs

"Two weeks ago I would have told you that I would have slugged him one, but now I'm glad he's here, and that's a start."

"In all seriousness Liv, how are you doing with the little one? I gotta say I was certainly surprised when Fin told me about the baby."

"I really didn't plan on everyone finding out this way, but I figured word would get out about me being in the hospital so here we are. If you think you were surprised, imagine mine?" Olivia drops her cheek into her palm sighs heavily.

"Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I am getting myself into at my age. Brian doesn't even know yet. Him and I were supposed to meet up this past Sunday, and that didn't happen. He's actually coming here tonight. I'm scared shitless to tell him to be honest."

"If you don't mind my asking, why are you so scared to tell him? He seems like a decent enough guy?"

"It's kind a long story. Basically, we want different things in life, I'm not sure how he will react to having a baby at this point."

"That's the thing about kids and babies, sometimes you never knew how much you wanted one till you are holding them in your arms." Olivia eyes Amanda suspiciously. "What, at least that's what I hear."

"Look Liv, its been a shit year for you. Maybe something good finally happens for you. Maybe Brian surprises you. If he's doesn't, well then screw him."

Hormones are like grenades still lying in wait in the fields of Vietnam, unstable and unforgiving. Olivia's so typically complacent with keeping her emotions bottled up and unseen, that when her tears flow so freely nowadays they startle her. Everything about her situation, and her daughter petrifies her, despite the joy she feels.

Olivia wipes at her face, "Sorry, this is all so surreal to me. I feel like I am dreaming all of the time, and she will be snatched away from me at any second."

"No apologies needed. I get that you're scared, I would be helluva scared too. But Liv, I think if anyone were to be a mother, this a role you are just made for." Amanda declares with much certainty in her voice.

"You're really serious when you say that, aren't you?"

"Damn straight Liv, you better start believing it too."

This is not the first time Olivia has heard that her impending mother abilities will be wonderful in recent days, its just she cannot wrap her brain around the idea of herself being a good mother. What she knows of being a good mother comes from books, movies, and from Elliot's wife. She has gleamed from her own mother, and from the criminals and countless victims about not what to do. It is up to Olivia to assemble it all together as a mother, like a do-it-yourself project. Except she would kill for instruction manual.

"Thank you for everything really. And it's about time I owe you an apology."

"Apology for what?" Amanda's curiosity is piqued.

"When I was CO, and you were undercover with Murphy, I know that you didn't handle it well, but I didn't either. When I said that I didn't trust you. I want you to know that I do trust you Amanda. You've been a good friend, and you have the ability to be a damn good detective, just don't let the extra stuff get in the way."

"Thanks, it means more than you know. I gotta head on out, before Fin calls out the troops for me. You take care of you and that lil one, and try to be nicer to the nurses, they ain't gonna bite."

"Will do, good night Amanda."

Olivia yawns loudly, she is beyond exhausted and could sleep for ten hours straight.

She needs to take care of the "man-candy" in the Visitor's Lounge first. She grabs her phone, which has a very low battery, for a quick text message.

Quit stalking me and get your ass in here. You better have ice cream with you or you can forget staying, El.

Several minutes go by and Olivia receives no reply from Elliot.

Later she wakes up, having no idea how much time as past, the only thing Olivia is conscious of, her nap felt damned wonderful.

"Oh hey sleepyhead, how are you?"

"Eh, how long have you been here, El?"

"Long enough for your Heavenly Hash ice cream to become a Heavenly Hash milkshake."

"Ooh, I'll take it." Olivia says with a little too much excitement.

"Geez Liv, I wasn't aware you liked ice cream this much, you're too easy."

"Hey lay off the easy jokes will you? I have friends in high place that will do you in."

Elliot laughs, "like who Blondie with her water gun?"

"You're such as asshole. I'd put my money on Rollins any day. Plus, don't you have a thing for blondes?" They have been floating in an easy humor for the last couple of days, it is airy and comfortable. Olivia realizes her mistake immediately, not before the pain registers on Elliot's face. It is much too soon.

"El, I'm so sor.."

Elliot purses his lips, and shakes his head slightly. This can go one of two ways. Option B proves to be the best.

"It's okay, really. B'sides, I've heard brunettes are more fun." Elliot smiles with more charm than necessary. Olivia notices how much he has aged, maybe because he does not smile nearly often enough, or maybe because she is just starting to look at him for the first time. Age lines mark his face, telling a story of who he is as a man, a father, and a partner. Something inside of Olivia makes her want to touch his face. This is a such a new feeling, a yearning to touch his face, and to discover it like it is something brand new.

Elliot gazes at Olivia for three seconds too long. It makes her uncomfortable, and fidgety. Her need to away from the hospital bed is the strongest it has been in days, days. Her daughter is what finally grounds and calms her, as she wades through the deep blue of Elliot's eyes. She smiles as she rubs circles on her abdomen.

"She's really active right now. It feels so incredible, I still can't get over it."

"It really is amazing when you think about it. Each time with Kathy, it was like the first time all over again."

"It hurts like hell, huh?"

"It does. I loved her for so long. I may not have been in love with her anymore, but loving her was enough for me. Now I see her in all the kids when I didn't pay attention before. I don't how you or her put up with my ass for so long." Vulnerability is new for Elliot. He still finds himself in uncharted waters, and constantly wanting to deflect with anger. Recent life experiences have taught him that anger is not always the best course of action either, currently he is deploying humor with Olivia, the heaviness would have otherwise threatened to strangle them both.

"Yeah well I wasn't always a sunny at the beach either. Let's just call it even for today. Maybe we can debate this another day. Brian will be here in an hour, and I'm asking you nicely to please be long gone from here."

"You're kidding me right?" The dark angry tide rolls back in, in familiar patterns, covering the light and airy sand that been their humor only seconds before. This is what Olivia is ready for, she is well matched for a fight of the tides. For as long as the tides always come rolling in and cover the sand, they always go back, taking along the pain back out to sea. She is ready for whatever his jealous frothy waves bring. She is the moon pulling the tide back out to sea, he will have to learn to follow her again.

"I'm giving you a lot of latitude here Elliot. What I am asking you is not an option. If you are going to be in our lives, you need to respect that Brian is my daughter's father. I will always love him for that. Just because, I thought of you as my best friend at one point, doesn't give you any right to pass judgment on whom I have dated or I will date."

He's forty-nine years old, and has been visiting hospital rooms too damned frequently this past year. In this hospital bed lays a women with chestnut brown hair, its in cascading waves, in varying forms from dried shampoo the hospital had given her. Her eyes are the same brown he remembers, the ones that still danced in his numerous dreams during the last three years. As he looks her, she is still his same Olivia, only older, its when she speaks of him being her once best friend he truly realizes the crushing weight of what he has done. Elliot wants desperately to believe this last part was a dream, but the noises of Olivia's automatic blood pressure cuff remind him exactly where they are.

"Yeah okay. I'll text you later. Is it okay if Kathleen stops by tomorrow? She's been wanting to see you for a long time now."

"Yeah, I'd really like that, and thank you Elliot."

There are words and thoughts in his brain, sentences to be constructed, conversations to be had, and apologies to be issued. Elliot leaves this for another time, Olivia has enough to deal with this evening. Right now, there is a cop who's newly become a detective again, just resurfaced from undercover operation, and he is coming to visit a woman he loves in ways that were never going to be enough. Right now Brian has no idea he has a daughter, this coming after he was so relieved when he thought Olivia's test was negative the first time. Benson girls have the ability to topple the hearts of all who have ever loved them.

"Olivia no matter how tonight goes with Brian, I will be here for you in any way I can, if you will let me. I swear to you, I've lived with enough regrets, you and your daughter will never be one."

"I believe you." Are the only words Elliot hears from Olivia's lips.

An hour and half later Olivia gets a text message, stating Brian is on his way. He's still at Lieutenant Tucker's bidding for the time being, he says how high to jump, Brian tries hard to jump higher. Olivia could do worse for a father for her child. At one point a few months ago, she even contemplated actually having a family with him. That was before any of the logistics had been ironed out. She thought her body was too old for her a child, she was also under the false impression that Brian could want a child with her. Then her pregnancy test was apparently negative, and Brian was utterly relieved. Olivia was wrong on both accounts.

"Well well, if it isn't my favorite patient. How are you feeling this evening Olivia?" Nurse Veronica finally makes her appearance. Here's hoping for ice cream if this evening's conversation does not go as planned. As planned? Olivia almost wants to laugh out loud, how does one plan this conversation at this point in her life, under these circumstances.

"I'm about as good as I can be for a 46 year-old who is pregnant, has a hardcore addiction to ice cream, is used to carrying a glock, and hasn't had a real shower in days, other than that I am dandy."

Veronica has a deep laugh that would cut through an entire room full of people, it would normally make Olivia smile. Her nerves are doing her in.

"Oh come on now, I know you've missed my sunshiny face and all, but what's up with this extra sass? You're not normally quite this bad with me. Although I heard you gave Rita quite the turn."

"I'm sorry, I just have a lot happening right now. A visitor is coming soon, it may or may not go well, so that's what has me all worked up."

"Well, we do have hospital protocol regarding these things. We can keep him or her from seeing you, you just say the word, and its done."

"No, Veronica. Really, I have to see him. I'm just anxious is all. Other than that I am feeling okay, just really tired."

"The tired part is to be expected certainly. Have you felt any abdominal pain, or anything that feels like it when you were having contractions."

Olivia knows she has to be completely honest with the medical staff for the protection of her baby. Normally, she would tell them anything to get out of this damned bed and to get home.

"Um honestly, I wish I could say no, but there is still some cramping but it is getting better each day. The last doctor said that was to be expected at this point. Right?"

"I would think so, but let's check you out to be sure."

A half-hour later Olivia has a report from the nurse that currently everything okay, she receives a text message that Brian is here. She texts him her room number, and practices her deep breathing she's found so helpful lately.

Several minutes later Brian is in her room in the flesh. She's beginning to wonder if could have texted him that she was pregnant, or maybe she will just not tell him all together. At least five other idiotic ideas come to Olivia's mind as well. The only solid ground Olivia's got is the love for this child, it will have to be enough if Brian decides he still does not want this type of life.

"Hey Liv, its good to see you. Except I really wish it wasn't in a hospital bed." Brian's voice is laced with worry.

In the rush of the last week, it never occurred to Olivia that she was not freely giving with her information to Brian. He has no idea why she is in the hospital, for all he knows she could be dying, shit.

"Hey Bri, its good to see you too. Thank you for coming." She can do this, Olivia has faced some of the worst criminals hell has dished up, certainly she can tell Brian she is pregnant, right? Deep breaths.

"Um Brian, I think you should have a seat."

"Christ Liv, I haven't seen you in a few weeks. We were supposed to meet up a week ago, then you call me up and have me come to the hospital, so what's going on?"

"First, I should tell you that I am mostly okay, I am not dying. I just needed to get that part out, I can tell by that look on your face, that was a concern for you. Jesus, Brian I didn't even think of that." Olivia has been so preoccupied with her own worry, she's been missing his side of the coin.

While Olivia has never been an open book for Brian to read, he's learned her idiosyncrasies. There were days he would beg, at least in his head, for her to open up about what was going on inside of her. Brian craved to be that person for her to lean on, to be her protector. Instead Olivia, had build the sturdiest castle she knew how, and dug the deepest and widest moat she could, in an effort to provide protection. In a sick twist of fate, her fortress had kept Brian out, and William Lewis had still managed to come through the drawbridge.

"Look Liv, whatever is going on you can tell me, I mean it. Just because we aren't together anymore, doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you, even for one single second." He's so certain of his words, with no iota of hesitation.

Olivia wants this entire conversation to be over immediately, so much so that she does not even care what the outcome might be. She takes a deep breath, and bites her bottom lip hard out of sheer nervousness.

This is how it will be, the slow bleed-out she thinks. "I have no idea if you heard about what happened with Lewis escaping, he lured me into a granary, he knew I would come to save a little girl. He played some sick mind-fuck games, then killed himself."

"I gotta say, I am so relieved the bastard is dead, but that still doesn't explain how you ended up here." His concern grows exponentially.

"I know you said that you were relieved before, and this isn't what you wanted. So I will understand if you want no part of any of this. I had no idea, still no clue how its all going to work out. Jesus, I am scared." Olivia had gone through in her mind several times how she would tell Brian about their child; each rehearsed time seemed worse than the previous one, more forced. Part of the equation she had not factored in, was being a complete bag of nerves, and making little sense.

"Olivia, slow down and take a breath. Your talking a mile a minute. What are you afraid of?"

"Everything Brian. This." Olivia gently pulls back her white sheets, to reveal her unflattering hospital gown. She starts rubbing circles on her abdomen, ready to provide a protective cocoon should it be needed.

There should be a light flickering for Brian right now, Olivia is letting him on a secret. Except whatever she is leaning towards is seemingly improbable, at least it has to be. There is no way, this was not in their plans. Brian takes Olivia' s other hand that is pulling at her sheet, and pulls into his own. Whatever this is, or isn't he does want her to be swallowed up into a sea of nothingness. She's crying, and her eyes are normally a barometer of pressure, give nothing away.

Brian waits, and holds onto her with his steadfast hand. Like everything else in Olivia's life, she finds a way to march on without knowing the consequences. "They did routine blood tests as part of the investigation of Lewis. I'm so sorry Brian. I found out I'm pregnant."

"Okay, wow." Immediately he has questions, from the obvious, to the lubricious, and the plain stupid. Brian has learned from his time with Olivia, that less is more. He will meet her in the middle.

"I mean you're in the hospital so are you sick, or the baby?" It's been nearly ten years since Brian has thought seriously about having a child. The idea had sailed by him he thought, he was never going to be a person that would have a family, he would just protect and fight for other people's families. Brian had made peace with this decision, now it has been all shot to hell. In an instant worry awash over him, over a child Brian thought he wanted no part of.

Brian hands Olivia a box tissues. "I'm okay. They have me here just to make sure I don't go into early labor, I have been having preterm contractions."

"Oh, that sounds serious." All of this sounds fucking serious.

Olivia will be tied to Brian for the rest of her life, there is no point in lying to him. "Its common for my age, and then there's all the wine I drank. Remember all those glasses Brian? They can cause preterm labor too." Dr. Martinsdale told her so far her daughter is growing healthy, but there are still no certainties.

"Oh Liv, of all the things to blame yourself for. I know its pointless because you will anyways, but I don't. I would bet my life, that as soon as you found out you stopped."

"That's not the fucking point Brian. It might be too late. I could have seriously hurt her. I don't know how I can live with myself if I have, or how you can even stand me?"

"Her? Do you know if we are having a girl?" For the first time Brian's voice picks up, there is a definitive hesitation there, but there is also a slice something else, perhaps joy even.

"September 5th is the due date. Yes, its a girl. My doctor said so far she's checked out healthy, no known abnormalities. Most days it feels like a dream to me."

"So you're really far along then. That first test must have been wrong?"

Brian's question is confirmed when Olivia nods her head yes. He's always been a gambling man, and knows the next question is not wise to ask, but Olivia is not the only one effected by this, still Brian is prepared to lose.

"Don't hate me for asking, but I have to know. If you weren't so far along, with everything that has gone on, would you have still kept the baby?"

Olivia was mistaken in the thought that only Elliot had the power to decimate her. She sees red, angry bull-red, and would like to have Brian's name added to non-visitor registry list yesterday.

"Wanna fucking say that to me again? And think about it good and hard this time." Her voice is dark and daring, the kind she uses to break perpetrators.

"I'm not gonna use the kid gloves with you. I didn't mean to be cavalier about it, or to sound like an insensitive bastard. I'm just trying to get a sense of where your head is at on this."

"And you think asking if I thought about aborting my child was the way to go? Especially, on the night we broke up, I asked you if ever thought about having a family with me. Well I definitely have my answer now. No, I never once thought about it. You can please leave. We will send you a Christmas card."

Olivia may have forgotten they are in a hospital, and her blood pressure could rise at any moment. There are hospital staff milling about everywhere, the last thing Brian wants is their business being prod-cast in the streets. His main focus and desire is to calm the mother of his child down.

"Wait just a minute. Whenever we had any conversations, they were always about hypothetical children, this is completely different."

"Brian, this is not different. You either want to be father or not. You clearly don't want to be, and didn't have much of a choice here. I'm not going to ask anything of you. We will be okay with or without you." Brian is so familiar with her strong as a fortress routine, yet he can see all of her cracks. She's dying on the inside, this baby may be the only thing Olivia is clinging to.

"Best as I can see you have had a coupla weeks to deal with this. You just dropped this bomb on me, I think I should get a little of time to process..."

Before he can even finish his thought Olivia is back with full force. "You can go on thinking our daughter is a bomb for all you want, I don't give a damn." Olivia's pained face tells the truth, she absolutely does care.

"Olivia, you need to calm down. Please, let me talk for just a minute before you yell or say anything else. Okay?" She manages to sniffle out a yes.

"Just because we are no longer together, doesn't mean that my feelings toward you have changed. I still love you, and by extension of that I automatically love our child."

Olivia cannot help herself, "but that.."

Brian is quicker. "No, shhh. You promised. I will be shit for a father, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try. To be honest, I never ever saw this coming at this point in my life, so I am still shocked. That doesn't mean I won't be there for you two. Just give me a little time here."

It is suddenly easier to breathe. Olivia never anticipated Brian being accepting of a baby. He's made no guarantees, and things are strained at best. Olivia still wants to probe him about the abortion comment. For peacekeeping purposes, she will let it go. Brian grabs hold of her hand again, calming her. As he leaves her hospital room, he promises to call her tomorrow. Brian leaves the hospital with something more to live for, a life worth living.


End file.
